What if I Never Find Love?

Wrote this yesterday…

I cried driving home tonight so much so I had to stop and get a bottle of red wine I intend on finishing.

I don’t know if I’ve asked this but I know I’ve thought about it. Many times over.

What if I never find love? Will my life be enough to keep me satisfied?

I don’t love what I do. In fact I find it tedious and pointless. It pays relatively well but is having a little more money supposed to make up for the fact that I am running through life solo? I’ve never been one to put more value on money than what it’s worth. It doesn’t do anything but pay bills and occasionally ( in my case at least) pays to get me to a destination for a while. Money is great, don’t get me wrong.It keeps me from a lot of anguish ( when I have it at least) but I could get more , accrue more, and make more, and it would not materialize Love. That’s what I keep coming back to, love.

The more I think about it the more I keep coming back to the fact that humans are not solitary creatures. They are meant to pair. When I think about the best relationships I know there is balance. Each half has something that their partner doesn’t. Like aging couples that start to lose capacities like eyesight or mobility. Their partners deteriorate in a way that allows the pair of them to function independently, as a set. He loses his eyes sight, she has trouble walking, so she drives and he is a shoulder to lean on. That’s my grandparents. 60+ years together, they are still working as a team.

You want to know why I’ve spent so much time looking at relationships and questioning dynamics and dissecting them down to their core? It’s because I want to know how to do them better. In every respect. I’ve said before that I suck at relationships. I have destroyed friendships and pandered away dating relationships. They don’t come easily. They are work. i keep hoping I will find a match ( and I fucking hate that phrase) and I will not longer feel like I wander alone. No such luck. Not for a long time. Last time I felt love I couldn’t say it- not because I was ashamed, but I couldn’t because he said ‘don’t.’ I felt so attached to this person. I felt like myself and he still wouldn’t let me say it. in 3 years he never said it to me. Doubt he even felt it. Makes one feel like the fool to ever feel it again…

I was listening to “foolish” by Boy Epic on repeat on the way home. There is a line ” everyone knows- love is foolish, but we do it just to feel it. ” Is there something more true than that? Especially when it feels unattainable and absent.

Last night I crash in a pile of post- coital wine coma thinking that the only thing that would make me feel any better would be to send love out to those that I love. I sent a message to Jared (which I know he didn’t see) and love to those who are amazing in every fashion. You know I keep coming back to this notion ” what if you don’t find love?” In one sense, I have found love in many people who fill the space in my life with encouraging and genuine love, but many aren’t here with me. There is space cut out of most people which requires someone or something to feel whole. I have gone back and forth on whether it is a person or a thing that would properly occupy that space. I need love. I need love from someone who is desperate to have me part of their life. Someone who has passion for the connection we share. That may be idyllic, but who doesn’t want at least one person on this earth to be thirsty for their love?

Honestly even if I found success doing the things I love, it would feel a little hollow if I had no one with which to share the excitement.