Do you remember how churches filled in the days and months after September 11, 2001? Ordinary people thrown into upheaval by terror seen and unseen. Nothing was safe. Nothing felt safe or normal. They flooded into houses of worship looking for divine intervention and solace. They were seeking reason in the inexplicable event they had just witnessed. They wanted something to right the ship, put things back as they were. Now, 20 years later, our lives still display the ripples of that day. Time acclimated us to a world that would never be the same nor appear the same in our minds. Seeing the time before and the years since, it’s obvious that our lives don’t feel as free or lighthearted. We lost more than buildings and people that day. Humans, nonetheless, still look upward and outward when their world falls apart.
In late December 2019, there were rumblings of a new virus spreading across Asia. It made the news but no one was really talking about it in the US until the first case popped up some time in January. When countries started shutting down, schools and businesses closing, and lockdown became the new reality, the collective unease began to rise . It hit the US harder than we could have imagined, and by March 2020 the States ordered people to stay home. Time stopped. Businesses closed down, many never reopened. No one had any idea what was going on or what was going to happen next. We were left to try to figure out how to survive (or thrive). “PIVOT” was a word thrown around as part of evolving business strategy, but it will always remind me of a Friends episode. Initially, the thought was “oh, it will only be for a couple of weeks and this will all blow over and things will be back to normal.” Confining people to their homes meant separation of families, friends, partners, coworkers. That hit especially hard for people like me who live alone. It was solitary confinement with more comfortable accommodations and internet access. It felt like a prison sentence. Physical contact was putting yourself and others at risk. It was devastating. The difference between 2001 and 2020 was the rate at which people reached desperation. How quickly peoples spirits were broken. After 9/11, it was immediate. When Covid began, people were optimistic that it would be swift, mildly inconvenient, but who couldn’t use a little time at home? It was a slow burn before people hit their breaking point. The pace of our lives stopped immediately. Some saw that as a positive, others saw it as a death sentence.
At some point, everyone felt hopeless. The death toll rising, no end in sight, we slowly started to lose heart. People were looking for entertainment or distraction from their own company. Left alone with their thoughts, it was the last thing they wanted and there was nothing else to do but engage. It is scary to face things when you may not be ready. I had spiritual experiences with a bottle of wine on a nightly basis, which was fun until I found myself balled up crying in my bathtub. That was one bandage that didn’t do the job. I wasn’t ready to be stuck alone with my thoughts. Trying to normalize being stuck at home was the most difficult because I lost all ability to go out and have meaningful human contact. I couldn’t distract myself from all the things I’d been avoiding.
I didn’t have everyone else’s lives to occupy my time and focus. My job was already work-from-home prior to Covid. I liked it that way, with the understanding that I would have the ability to see and interact with people in my off time. When that normal part of my routine went away, I struggled to get my bearings. Even when things gradually began reopening (with strict restrictions of course) being near people did not feel the same. Watching movies through the lens of present day reality, seeing people touching made me anxious. That cute, heartfelt, romantic moment was now met with near panic for their safety.
By 2021, I was looking for something. Divination from the Universe. Spiritual Enlightenment. Emotionally and psychologically broken, I was looking for a way through. The coping mechanisms I’d acquired during the peak of quarantine were now broken crutches, doing nothing to support me. I was looking for tools, guidance, anything that could help me get through the reality I was living in- mentally and physically. In some twist of millennial fate, I found Tik Tok. With an ever expanding content collection from creators world-wide, I had access to anything I wanted to see or explore. From cooking techniques and recipes (some of my favorites), to meditation and manifestation, to comedy skits by one shut-in losing their mind. ( Can’t forget the thirst traps… they are purely for the serotonin.) It perfectly characterizes the way present generations find entertainment, absorb information and have conversations. The platform boomed over the last 2 years because we have been in a battle for sanity. I found it first for entertainment, but it surprised me when it became a haven. Everyone’s mental health has suffered as a result of the pandemic. TikTok gave people a place to go, a place to share, and a place to connect. I found creators who were experiencing the same restlessness and yearning. It was the thing that brought me the most hope, simply seeing that I wasn’t alone. I stumbled on this video this morning, which pretty accurately sets the tone for the year we just experienced. There was a community of people who were all experiencing the same kind of shift. Pagan, Christian, Atheist, Viking, Healer, Scientist, Statistician, Yogi, Physician, Single Parent- the messengers and mentors with something to offer, ferried us toward higher understanding of ourselves by sharing the best of themselves and their knowledge. Modern day gurus making a commune of the world. Anyone in need was welcomed with open arms. Professors expanding upon on their life experiences for the benefit of those looking for answers. They were present to commiserate with the downtrodden, in hopes of encouraging healing, growth, and realization of greatest potential.
There were people out to spread positive, uplifting, accepting, healing energy- not to mention stellar body positivity. (I certainly learned something about the male gaze and their appreciation for every shape, size, preference, aesthetic – anything-. It was a glimpse of psyche I’ve never seen en mass.) It was empowering, truly, to so many women. I saw a shift in how they carried themselves, how they chose to speak about themselves, how they valued themselves differently. They began living from a place of power instead of survival or victimhood. Strange how something like compounded opinion turns into accepted truth in the minds of those who listen long enough. Seeing women not giving a fuck what they looked like because they stopped constantly comparing, and began enjoying their bodies and all that it offers. I felt that. I shared that energy and it carried and multiplied. I love to see freedom radiating in their faces, because it all manifested such beauty and celebration of all forms. I do not believe that this communal shift in mentality was coincidental. I think this is one material example of the seemingly immeasurable impact this kind of platform has had, and will continue to have. It is a testament to the power of notion.
But it wasn’t just virtual aunties and sisters pulling me aside to tell me I’m special that made the deepest impact. Fellow travelers on their own spiritual journey left me bread crumbs to get to where I was going a little quicker. Meditation practices, mantra, working on aligning energies to elevate oneself to their higher frequencies. One of the best recommendations I received was actually a book- ” 101 Essays that will Change the Way You Think.” by Brianna Wiest. Getting exactly what you are looking for is great, but also really scary. Change is scary, even when it is the very thing you are after. Everything feels so foreign… just realize that’s a good thing. There is comfort in repetition. Even when that repetition is not healthy or good for you, it’s familiar. It’s a well rehearsed round that lands right back where it started. This book and this author challenged me to reframe the way that I interact with the information I am taking in. How I think about myself, my relationships, my abilities, my ambitions, my faults. She hit topics that cover a hearty collection of human experiences that did, indeed, shift my perspective.
It was exactly what I was looking for.
Of all of my take-aways from TikTok thus far, that has been the most valuable. Humanity: The stories, the mess, the devastation, the triumph. Seeing people processing and thriving in their lives… or doing their best. Changing so I could live the life I wanted with the help of this band of ragamuffin content creators. ( That’s not true… some of them have wardrobes that would pay off my students loans 10x over. They have style and heart!)
2020 was the demolition. 2021 was the rebuild but with a new blueprint.
Spiritual people don’t necessarily have houses of worship, but sometimes we end up in shared spaces where we can find what we are looking for. Something bigger at work that also empowers those who seek to change their lives, or allows them to stay here for one more day.
Not for the Faint of Heart. 
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